Saturday, July 11, 2015





“It’s true when they say who’s the happiest person you know is the opposite of what you knew of them.”

          Alam mo ba yung feeling parang ikaw lang ang taong nandito sa mundo? Yung super unfair dahil sila ay patuloy pa rin sa buhay nila pero ikaw hindi mo alam paano kappa mabubuhay. Sometimes I think like its best if I die because it will help my mom in our financial status, but kung hindi naman dahil sa kanila hindi ako magiging ganito.

            Noong bata ako 5 years old ako nag kasakit si ate ng Hemiparesis is weakness of the entire left or right side of the body and at the age of seven it led to a heart disease. Ang mommy ko lang ang nag trarabaho para samin dahil siya lang ang nakapag tapos ng College si daddy ay hanggang high school lamang. I didn’t see my sister that often cause she’s always at the hospital for months. My nanny is the only one that I have, at a very young age I learned how to take care of myself. Even though nandiyan ang nanny ko parang wala lang siya sakin dahil halos every other month ay nag papalit din kami ng yaya dahil lahat sila nag kakagusto kay daddy.

            At the age of 5 my I was the one who was awake listening to my mom and dad arguing nonstop because of my dads affairs. Sobrang nakakahiya dahil kilala si mommy sa place naming tapos si daddy kaliwat kanan ang babae. Every night na aalis si daddy, my mom will wake me up at the middle of the night going to run and catch daddy’s affairs. I was the one who saw how my mom was hurt so much by my dad because she loves him too much. I was the one there when she goes and up fighting with those women, I forgot to tell you guys that my dad also has a child outside of our family who is older than me for 2 months.

            I always kept a happy-go-lucky appearance but deep inside I would most likely just wants to keep quite. I kept my happy-go-lucky personality until I reached high school. In high school it all comes crushing down. How much I hate my dad, good thing he had gone abroad to support us because I don’t know kung hanggang kailan pa kaya ni mommy ang ginagawa nila.

            Then I have a boyfriend at December 10 befrore I graduate at elementary. He was the one you know? Even if he is this perverted person, but I know I feel safe with him. But then my mom found out that he want us to do things that isn’t very appropriate with my age and his a part of a fraternity which later on I found out to keep me safe because we are far away from each other and only gets to see each other once or twice a month. I was devastated everyone keeps on telling me this is just a puppy love. I AM NOW CURRENTLY 17 AND STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. But then I got sacred. So I broke it off with him before our fieldtrip but secretly we became an item again. Mahal ko siya eh ano magagawa ko? Pero super natakot na ako dahil masyado ko na siyang mahal. Ang daming tanong ang pumasok sa isip ko nun, What if mangyari sakin ang nangyari kay mommy? Kakayanin ko ba yun? Will I still be live with him even if he loves another? I broke it off officially sakanya but lying that saying uuwi na si daddy at kailangan nanamin mag hiwalay but pansamantala lang. I was at second year high school by then.

            Doon ko natutunan ang salitang cutting, drinking, depressed, and killing oneself. Grabe ang mga pinag gagawa ko sa sarili ko nun. Dahil lang sa wala naman pumapansin sakin sa bahay I feel unlove. Grabeh ang sakit ng naramdaman ko, hanggang 4th year high school dala ko yung sakit na yun. Pumnta ako sa teacher/councilor naming and told him my story. He only said “IHA ALALAHANIN MO MAY MAS MALALA PA SA NANGYAYARI SAYO NGAYON, HINDI PA YAN MALALA” He freaking studied psychology bakit hindi niya napansin na KAHIT HINDI MALALA ANG NANGYARI SAKIN MALALA ANG EPEKTO NITO SAAKIN. After that wala na akong pinagsabihan pa. Then mas nagging close kami ng kaibigan ko na si Julianne, she was beaten everyday by her mother, and has a step father na. But like me we kept an emotional mask well mostly me. Kasi siya na ata ang pinaka positive na person na nakilala ko. I was there when she needed me every single time. And because I trust her very much siya lang ang pinag sabihan ko ng nararamdaman ko. Alam kong ramdam niya na kahit tumatawa ako sa situations na I’m  telling her, she knows how much I want to cry. Grabe na sa sakit kasi kahit na sabihin nila na ang oak o ang bestfriend ko ang naka intindi sakin.

            Siya ang nagging lighthouse ko sa lahat ng nangyari sakin. She guided me even if I’m at the brink of killing myself, I already have a freaking knife at my hand ready to strike my heart. Too many negative thoughts passing through my mind, to many scenarios playing back and too many option how to kill oneself. But because of her, she helped me. SHE was the one who helped me. I always thank God that she saved me from committing a horrible mistake.

            I want to share my life to you because I know how much it hurts when you only smile but no one ever noticed if its fake or not. No one sees if someone is emotionally depressed. NO ONE CARES ENOUGH TO NOTICE THE SIGNS. But if someone cares they sometimes took the wrong signal and thought that it’s the other meaning. GUYS PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES AND HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME.  I wanna share this experience because I am physically proof that no matter what circumstances a human body is fragile and can only cope with too much. Nothing is too small if it will lead to killing yourself. Speak up guys. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANNA REACH OUT TO YOU.

            The song Lighthouse by GRL inspired me to make my story known. So guys go help once you saw the signs cause the signs are just there you just didn’t noticed it.

By: Anonymous

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