A Little Too Late
I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so far from me but I did.
He’s the reason why I find myself smiling when I’m alone, remembering all the funny things he said through chat. I even thought loving someone I don’t know personally know is illegal.
Jonathan: How are you?
Addison (Me): I’m fine, Jonny. What about you?
Jonathan: I’m okay. Just bored.
Addison: ‘You’ and ‘Bored’ are words that weren’t meant to be combined.
Jonathan: I know. What’s wrong with me?!
I smiled. He was starting to be the crazy guy I knew.
Addison: Everything about you is wrong. :D
Jonathan: Was that a compliment?
Addison: I dont know.
Jonathan: Addi doesn’t know? That’s weird.
Addison: No I’m just weird. Shit. What’s wrong with me?!
Jonathan: I don’t know. So, have I showed you my latest poem?
He sent me his poem but I wasn’t really into poems. I read it and all I could think of was that it was nice but that was it. I didn’t have any deep thoughts because it wasn’t really my field.
Jonathan: Any thoughts? Rate it from 1-10. 10 as the highest.
Addison: 7. It’s nice.
Jonathan: Most people would tell me I’m God.
Addison: I’m not really into poetry so I got nothing but it does have strong feelings.
Jonathan: You like it.
Jonathan: Nice answer Addi.
Addison: I know.
We talked for one more hour then he had to sleep.
Jonathan: I’m really tired Addi. Good night.
I didn’t know what the hell was I thinking that I decided to tell him something I never planned on telling him any time soon.
Addison: Good night, Jonny. Love you.
Jonathan: I love you too Addi, as a friend of course. I hope my gf isn’t spying on this.
Jonathan: What’s with the hearts Addi?
Addison: Hearts are cute. Hearts symbolizes love.
Jonathan: BUT YOU SAID---DO YOU?
Addison: I love Jonny.
I was giggling as I type crazy things, making it look like I was joking when I was really telling him how I really felt about him. But he has a girlfriend. That sucks.
Jonathan: In what way?
Addison: In THAT way.
Jonathan: But I have a crush on you.
Addison: Shut up. You have a girlfriend. Now rest.
Jonathan: I’m not sleepy.
Addison: You just said you are.
Jonathan: Now I’m not.
Addison: Stop. Go to sleep.
But he didn’t. He didn’t go to sleep. We talked, instead. Our timezone sucks. 12-hour time difference. And me having classes while he was enjoying his vacation.
He didn’t stop telling me he loves me. It was sweet and annoying at the same time. He had no idea how hurt I was when he told me he loves me because there was always “but” after the “I love you.” And whenever he told me he loves me, he always have to remind me that he loves his girlfriend, too.
Five o’clock in the evening here, in the morning there, when he decided to rest. Finally.
Days passed until I got to talk to him again. I wasn’t really that happy because whatever we talked about last time still haunted me, I don’t know about him.
I thought we were going to talk about random stuff like before the whole confession thing happened but no. Big NO!
Addison: Talk to her! It’ll be fun. Hurry up.
Jonathan: It would be nice if she’s online.
Yes. I did brought up the topic but it was only to send a hint that I haven’t forgot that he has a girlfriend. I was actually expecting for him to change the topic, sense that it was the topic I don’t actually want to have with him any time soon. Maybe I should stop being like most girls who sends hints and just be honest. No. I can’t. It’s too embarrassing.
Jonathan: I’m getting tired. Maybe I should just leave a message. She’s really understanding.
Because I’m a she-devil. I don’t do “understanding.”
Jonathan: Yeah. I should. She’ll understand it. She’s really forgiving, too.
One-word replies are said to be cold but it seemed like it wasn’t too cold for him to notice that I wasn’t fine with the topic. He had shoved down my throat that he has a girlfriend. He doesn’t have to rub it in my face that she’s perfect.
Jonathan: I still do love you, Addi.
Addison: Sure you do.
No matter how many times he say that, it won’t change the fact that there was no chance for me and him.
I was late. If I confessed earlier, when he was still single, then maybe there would have been a chance but I was scared. It was a little too late when I gathered up enough courage.
Six months passed. We still talked. And every time we did, the more I accepted that online love seems stupid. Maybe I was too focused on Jonathan that I havven’t noticed the guy who has been there for me ever since—my best friend, Ron.
I was glad that when I finally saw Ron, not as just my best friend and not only as my living diary, he was still waiting for me. I did apologize for being too occupied, thinking of Jonathan. Maybe if I accepted that Jonathan and I don’t have a chance, Ron and I could have started our romantic relationship earlier. Now, we were together—two months and counting.
Jonathan and I still talk but he has no idea that I have been dating Ron for two months. Ron didn’t mind. He said that he wasn’t afraid to have a little competition, which it wasn’t. I was his. Completely his.
Jonathan: Nice icon. That smile is just pretty.
Addison: I know.
My profile picture was taken by Ron and he was the reason why my smile was bright.
Addison: How are you? How are you and your girlfriend?
Jonathan: I’d rather not talk about it.
Addison: Something wrong happened?
Addison: You’ll find someone better.
Jonathan: Could be you.
Addison: Someone like me, maybe. Because I’m awesome. A single version of me, most probably.
Jonathan: So you’re not single anymore?
Addison: Ron and I have been dating for two months.
Jonathan: Your best friend? Ohh.
Jonathan: But I still do love you Addi.
I haven’t seen that for months, when I was hoping to be reminded by it—to be reminded that I still mattered.
I would be lying if I say that my heart didn’t flutter even just a bit because it did. But have Ron and I love him.
Now, he was two months late.
He was a little too late.