By: WisdomDeath (Four)
I was well aware that she, Clarissa, has feelings for me. I noticed how her eyes brighten up when I passed by and how she smiled at me. I sensed it but I decided to ignore her possible feelings for me.
I, on the other hand, was aware that I am in love with someone else, her best friend, Marina.
Clarissa and I knew each other back in High School and I was shocked when I knew she has the same degree course as I. Our classmate teased us that maybe we were meant to be together but I shoved those comments aside. She was never my type. I never imagined myself to be with a girl like her.
* * *
I entered the classroom and I spotted Clarissa sitting at the back row at the corner. She had her earphones on and she was reading a book. I took a closer look as I walked towards my seat which was five seats from her; I saw that she was reading the book I suggested to her a couple months ago. I sat down and waited for my friends to come.
* * *
The whole class, I was stealing glances at Clarissa when a wild idea popped in my mind. If I really want Marina to like me, I have to ask for Clarissa’s help. It won’t be that hard, I know Clarissa; she won’t be able to reject.
* * *
With the exams coming up, time was ticking for me. I have to start working my way through Clarissa to get to Marina.
“Clarissa! Wait up!” I shouted as I ran towards her, walking away.
She stopped walking then looked at me; she was smiling.
I smiled back, "Hey."
"What's up yo?!" She greeted with an undeniable sweet smile on her face.
"Oh nothing. Let's go home together. We'll both take the train anyways." I said. I looked around but there was no sign of Marina.
"Where's Marina?" I asked.
"She said she'll be doing something in the library, dude." She said as we went down the stairs.
I nodded, "Ohh."
* * *
She broke the silence that surrounded both of us in the train and started to talk about our High School memories. I admit that it made me smile. I loved how her laugh made me smile as well.
Her laugh was confident, not like any other girls'. She laughed like there were no strangers around us; she didn't mind.
* * *
The next few days were a blast! Marina and I started talking more and more and it was amazing. The three of us: Clarissa, Marina, and I, always go home together and that meant that Marina and I had more time to talk.
Making her laugh and smile was piece of cake. Oh that smile that brightened up my whole world.
It won't take that long before she starts falling for me. Am I too assuming? I'm so sorry for that. It's just that I am too excited to fill her life with happiness. I do love making people happy but it would be much better to make her, the girl I love, smile and laugh. It would be like an enormous gold trophy for me.
* * *
"Matthew!" Marina exclaimed.
I looked back and smiled. She was running towards me. Her light brown hair was bouncing on her shoulder. She caught up to me and then smiled.
"Can we take the train together?" she asked.
I was well aware that she would ask me that and I prepared my answer for a very long time.
"Sure." I answered.
"Let's just wait for Clarissa. She'll be here in a while." she said.
I nodded. There was no way I could say "No" to her. Besides, it's just Clarissa. I'm used to having her around.
* * *
Walking to the train station, Clarissa, Marina, and I were talking about that day's events but most of the time, it was only Marina and I who were talking. It was like Clarissa was taken to another dimension. She was looking around and I saw in her eyes that her mind wasn't that blank or relaxed. She was thinking about something deep and serious. I wasn't that sure. I had no idea what was running in her mind. I was no mind reader but her face says it all—she was depressed about something.
In the train, she was still quiet. When Marina or I asked her about things, she gave us a nod with a faint and, obviously, fake smile or a very brief answer.
For the years I spent with Clarissa, it was the first day that I heard so little amount of sound escaping those red pouty lips of hers.
After the train ride, we all parted ways. Marina waved "goodbye" while Clarissa bid her goodbye and told me to take care.
* * *
A few more days passed and Marina and I were doing good but I got to admit that I was in a zone mainly called "The Friendzone." Yes. For the first time in my entire life, I was in THE FRIENDZONE.
Something crazy popped in my nerves and I ran to the cafe wherein I would find Clarissa. I wasn't disappointed. She was there.
She was sitting on a table set for two yet she was alone. A grin spread wide across my lips. She was sitting there, simple as ever as if she was one of the boys. She was wearing a baggy shirt, jeans, and her favorite sneakers.
I sat on the other chair and I knew it shocked her. The way her eyes looked at me with confusion and those eyebrows of hers furrowed the way it has always been whenever I annoyed her, she was plain amazing.
"What are you doing here?" She asked. Her tone was something I was familiar with. She was annoyed. That's what I did to her most of the time back then—annoy her—but it wasn't what I wanted at that very moment.
"I wanted to ask you if you want to go back to our previous school. The others were asking and..." I paused. Why was I so nervous? "...You get the point." I finished up.
She was still looking at me with those amazing dark brown eyes which I once had mistaken as black.
"I'll go." She said. Her voice was slightly deep like what a male's voice usually are but there was still something feminine in it.
"Cool. So, what's up?" I asked casually.
"The freaking ceiling." She answered with a grin.
That was her answer to that question every single time and it never gets old.
"What the hell are you even doing here? If you are here to annoy me then fuck off! I'm so not in the mood. I'm in a middle of writing a story." She said.
The way she said the F-bomb was never offensive for my ears. It was something that reminded me that whatever happens, I will always be her friend.
* * *
The past few days, I thought I had started to accept that Marina and I had no freaking chance and so I decided to focus on Clarissa, the girl whom I know would love me back.
"Yo Clarissa! Wait up!" I exclaimed as I ran towards her.
"'Sup yo?" She greeted.
"Wanna take the train together?" I offered.
She nodded then raced down the stairs and walked faster than I have ever seen her walk to the train station.
During the train ride, she was talking non-stop about a classmate of ours who was clearly an attention-seeking whore.
* * *
A couple of weeks passed and Clarissa and I sort of started dating. It was not official but it was something that I sensed. Damn! I assume too much.
"What are you doing Saturday night?" I asked her like it was a question I ask her all the time.
"Reading." She said, obviously bored, her voice and facial expression said it all.
"Ohh." That was the only thing she said.
Then the unexpected happened.
"Want to go see a movie?" I asked her. It was something I never thought I would ask Clarissa who used to be just my friend.
"Sure. What movie?" She asked.
"I was thinking about The Hunger Games." I said.
"Oh that one. Sure." She said with a smile.
I knew that I was smiling like an idiot but it can't be helped. It was just TOO amazing. The feeling that someone actually wanted to do those simple yet sweet things with me, amazing.
* * *
That Saturday night, Clarissa showed up wearing a red shirt, jeans, and her gray Chucks. Typical outfit for her but something was a little different, her hair wasn’t in its usual bun, and it was loosely tied with an elastic band.
"Ready?" I asked.
"It's not like I am going to be entering The Hunger Games for real." She said then smirked. She walked ahead and I followed.
Things were really different with her. She was not your ordinary girl who would change herself for someone she likes. She stayed the same and would want someone who would accept her for who she truly was.
The movie was a blast but in some parts of it, we both grunted and complained about it. We both read the books and for us, it was a little bit disappointing.
"I can't believe they didn't include the last part!" She shouted as we went out of the cinema.
"True that." I agreed.
"The books are always better. Wrong. The books are the best." She said, pouting.
"I totally agree." I said.
I offered her a ride and she agreed.
* * *
The next couple of days passed swiftly and Clarissa and I weren't able to talk that much. Quizzes, homework, and projects were piled on our tables that we weren't able to hang out as much as we did a few days before.
"Matthew!" the voice was incredibly familiar. It was no other than...
"Hey Marina." I greeted her with a smile.
"Want to go watch Dark Shadows this weekend?" she asked.
I nodded. Wait, what about Clarissa? Blah. She'll be busy.
* * *
"Matthew! Wait up!"
I looked behind me and saw Clarissa, her black hair bouncing off her shoulders. That was new. She always had her hair tied up in a bun.
"Wow. Cool look." I said.
I saw clearly how her cheeks flushed red.
"I have two tickets for Dark Shadows for this weekend, mind joining me?" she asked.
I suddenly stiffened.
"I'm going to see it with Marina. You could join us." I said then smiled.
"Ohh. Sure. I'll go find someone to come with. See ya!" she said and then walked away.
"Want to go—" I was cut off when she ran away.
I was about to ask her if she wanted to go home together but then it seemed like she didn't.
At that moment, there was one question that was echoing in my mind and it was: "What have I done?"
* * *
Weekend came and I was proud to say that I was excited. It was the movie I was waiting for. Are you kidding me? It's Johnny freaking Depp!
At the cinema...
I was the first one to arrive and next was Clarissa who was obviously avoiding me. Then came Marina who was with some of her girl friends. After a few more minutes, a friend of mine and also a former classmate back in high school, Lawrence, arrived.
"Hey!" He greeted.
"Hey. What are you doing here?" I asked, confused.
"Clarissa invited to watch it. Won't be able to say no to that chic." He said.
Right then, there was a faint urge for me to punch him for calling Clarissa "chic." She wasn't just some chic that he can flirt with and then dump the next day. Clarissa is extremely different from the other girls and yet I don't know why I said 'yes' to Marina's offer. Clearly, my heart still belonged to Marina and Clarissa was my tool to make Marina jealous before and now she was back. Marina and I were back on track.
I wasn't able to concentrate on the movie the whole time. Seeing Lawrence and Clarissa hand-to-hand was never a pretty sight. Marina was wearing a poker face and I was pretty sure that she was not that interested, on the other hand, Clarissa was enjoying. It was obvious. There was this certain glint in her eyes that was an indicator about how interested she was. I couldn't forget that look because she gave me that look once.
"Want to go lunch together?" I asked Marina.
"Nah. My boyfriend will pick me up." She said in her famous bored tone.
"I thought this was a date." That was supposed to remain in my mind but it escaped lips mindlessly.
"Oh no, silly. I'm dating Charles." She said with a giggle.
My world was crumbling to pieces at what Marina had said. She was dating someone else and I turned down Clarissa for her. How stupid was I? I was a moron. A complete fool was I.
* * *
The day after the next day was the gloomiest day I have ever had—Marina was with Charles and Clarissa was avoiding me in the perfect way. She was slipping away from me.
She talked to me but not the way she did before. Our other classmates noticed how distant Clarissa was being that they started asking me questions that I was never sure what the answers were.
Until a day came that I wasn't feeling so well that there were two words in my mind: Clarissa. Suicide.
Stupid move, you may think but everything felt so broken and meaningless after I hurt her.
I wasn't attending classes for three days and that was something I would never do if I was still thinking straight and yet I wasn't.
I was curled like a ball at the corner of my room, crying. Crying won't make me less of a man as I am. It was better than cutting through my skin.
"Go away!" I shouted at the one who was knocking on my door.
"Go away!" I shouted, repeated it a couple more times.
"Matthew. It's me, Clarissa." Her voice was calm and worried.
"Clarissa." I whispered and stood up immediately. I ran to my door and opened it.
She was really there, standing in front of me, looking so worried and my body did what I wanted to do when she arrived at the cinema...to hug her.
I wrapped my arms around her. She seemed so little, fragile and delicate in my arms. Her shoulders relaxed a bit and hugged me back. I wanted to pause that moment. I never wanted that moment to end. I've hurt her for who knew how many times but she was always there to take me in her arms and tell me things will be OK.
"What happened to you?" She asked.
We were both sitting on my bed. She was still wearing the school shirt and jeans and her Chucks.
"I was just depressed. I never thought a day like this would come. I was strong and bold and I was never depressed like this but after what I did to you..." I paused then took a good look at her.
Her eyes were gently looking at the picture frames on my desk. Her legs were pretty long that she wasn't able to dangle her legs at the edge of my bed.
"I used you." She said.
"Yes. You used me. Whenever I was with you and Marina, I was the third-wheel. The two of you have your own world and I was alone in my own. Whenever you approached me, I wanted to tell you to fuck off but I never wanted to hurt you." She said then looked at me.
We were looking eye-to-eye. Sadness was coating her stunning, dark brown eyes.
"Hurting you is the last thing in a million years that I would want to do." She said with a faint smile on her red lips.
"I regret hurting you." I said then smiled back.
I moved closer to her and stretched my arm on her shoulder.
It was my mistake to hurt a girl like her, a girl who wouldn't leave my side, who would stay with me no matter what happens. She was one of a kind, one in a million, and whatever other cheesy lines anyone has ever made.
I gently held her chin, leaned down slowly and pressed my lips on hers. The tension in the air lightened and everything felt better. I felt happy just close to her. It was the best feeling ever, having her close to me, forgetting the outside world even existed. What made me even happier was when she kissed back.
Her hands cupped the back of my neck and pulled me closer while my hands were running up her back.
She was the one to break the kiss but it didn't matter. She was smiling and that was the best thing I could get, making such an amazing girl smile.
“I love you.” I said.
“I love you too.” She said then I hugged her tightly.
Mistakes were made along the way and yet I was happy that things ended up the way I never expected it to be, in a good way. I was too focused on Marina that I never noticed Clarissa, the girl who truly understands me.
There really was a reason why she was still with me in my college life and it was because she is the one, the one that I would love.
I am proud to say that until this very moment, WE ARE STILL DATING.