It was five in the morning. As much as I wanted to sleep the day away, my boyfriend decided to have a morning argument. It was one thing that it was a long distance relationship, it was another to be in a relationship that revolved around arguments. For the first two weeks, it was magic. I had no idea what happened to the following weeks that our used-to-be sweet relationship turned bitter.
Brendon: U KNOW U COULD DATE SOMEONE CLOSER. JUST TELL ME.
Jhona: No. Just no. Stop saying that, Bren.
Brendon: I’M JUST SAYING THAT THERE R SO MANY PEOPLE THERE CLOSER TO U.
Jhona: Can’t you see that? There are tons of people closer to me and yet I chose you. Doesn’t that count as something?
Brendon: THERE ARE SO MANY GUYS BETTER THAN ME. U COULD PICK THEM. WHY ME?
Jhona: Why do you keep on asking me? I may have the answer but I have no plan in telling you. I chose you! Isn’t that enough? OH MY GOD, BRENDON! You just won’t drop this subject, huh? Why can’t you just be happy that we’re together? If you want to break up with me, just tell me. You don’t have to push me away every fucking time you feel like it.
Brendon: I’M JUST SAYING.
Jhona: Drop the subject. Please.
The past couple of days, Brendon has been opening the same topic. He would always tell me that I could just date someone closer than me. I knew it wasn’t something I wanted. I thought that I could just reassure him that I didn’t want anyone but him and everything will be okay. Sadly, my constant reminder wasn’t enough for him. It hurt to know that he still thought that if something better presented itself in front of me, I would drop him and grab the better offer.
I watched a couple of movies, cleaned around the place, and even rearranged my room. It was all I could do to keep myself from going completely insane.
While I was scanning a few files for work, my phone kept on beeping.
Brendon: HEY. U THERE?
Brendon: I NEED TO TALK TO U REGARDING THIS MORNING.
Brendon: TALK TO ME, JHONA.
I wanted to tell him I wasn’t in the mood but I also wanted the argument to end. It was getting tiring.
Jhona: What is it now?
Brendon: MAYBE THIS ISN’T WORKING OUT THE WAY EITHER OF US WANTS TO.
Jhona: Are you breaking up with me?
Jhona: You could have just told me rather than pushing me.
Brendon: IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE U, J. I JUST THINK YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITH SOMEONE ELSE. SOMEONE CLOSER. SOMEONE BETTER.
Jhona: STOP SAYING THAT! If you really do love me, then you wouldn’t be doing this. Make a goddamn effort! Make this long-distance relationship work. You may have your own insecurities but I have my own. Don’t you think I never thought of girls better than me? Closer to you than I am as of now? I AM NOT NUMB, BRENDON! But I am trying to make things work because I love you. I FUCKING DO. But I guess we really do have different views. Your solution is break-up.
Brendon: I’M SORRY. I FEEL BAD.
Jhona: Sure you are. Sure you do.
That night, I sunk in my bed. Tears washed my pain. Confusion wrapped me. Questions swam in my mind. Soon enough, darkness embraced me. Sadly, I let it.
I didn’t know what I had to tell him just to convince him that I didn’t want to be with anyone but him. A part of me thought that maybe he just wanted a reason to break up with me, so he started that stupid argument.
Tonight, I had to figure out what to tell myself to convince me that I wasn’t the one who messed-up. I wanted to tell myself that I did what I had to do but there was a giant ball of doubt living at the pit of my stomach.
I chose him. He just didn’t choose me.